My husband Ryan and I had been together for 11 years and married for 2 when we began actively trying to fall pregnant. I had been on the pill for 12 years, and really thought it would be as simple as going off the pill and hey presto!
My body took a few months to regulate and we then began trying to conceive. It took around 5 months until we saw that double pink line on a pregnancy test.
For some reason around 8 weeks along I started feeling really anxious. I went to the doctor and she was amazing and said "let's send you for a dating scan even though you know the dates just to put your mind at ease".
I went to the dating scan and the sonographer was quiet the whole time.
Ten minutes or so had passed and he finally said to us that the baby was measuring at 6 weeks and had a very faint heartbeat, he wanted us to come back in 2 weeks. This meant we had to go back to the doctors for the results and another referral, and then back to the ultrasound place. Two very long weeks and another deathly silent 10-15 minutes of an external and then an internal ultrasound and the man said "I am sorry there is no heartbeat, take your time" and then left the room.
We both had no idea what to do, I just got dressed went to the front counter like routine to finish the appointment and we hopped into the car and burst into tears. Back to the GP again and because 2 weeks had passed with no sign of miscarrying I was sent up to the hospital and the early pregnancy assessment clinic, next thing I know I was scheduled for a D&C.
Going through my first D&C
The procedure to remove the pregnancy from me was the single most traumatic experience of my life. You're waiting in a room with people ready for other routine procedures and here I was waiting for my baby to be removed from me. Some of the nurses were compassionate but the whole system was sterile and stale, I was so petrified whilst also being devastated at the same time and had to listen to the normal daily conversation while the surgery team prepped themselves and me. After a few hours in recovery, I was grateful to be back with Ryan and on our way home.
The next few weeks were a blur, I just remember not feeling much at all. I wasn't familiar with the possibility of a miscarriage at this point, and I sure as hell had no idea it is as common as 1 in 4 pregnancies. Not 1 in 4 women, 1 in 4 pregnancies. If it is this common, how had I had no previous exposure to a loss? It is honestly because the topic is still so taboo, for some reason women don't feel like they are able to discuss the babies they have lost.
Society comes back at them with "Oh it was a good thing, there must have been something wrong with that baby", "It wasn't a real baby" and the good old "Everything happens for a reason". Just for the record, these aren't helpful or compassionate things to say at all.
Trying again after loss
After a couple of months, we started trying again and were so lucky to fall pregnant again. This time felt different, we had a great dating scan and we breathed the biggest sigh of relief. At around 11 weeks I had a sinking feeling again, I don't know why but I thought it was me overreacting.
I ended up booking into a private scan place for the next day and was met with another awkward scan where the lady was vague and said maybe it was her equipment but to get a referral for a proper diagnostic scan as this one was more of a place people go to for extra photos etc.
I went to a GP who told me I was being very dramatic, after finally getting a referral I managed to get in for a scan the same day and of course, the technician was heavily pregnant. This poor lady looked horrified and we both knew straight away, at 11 weeks again there was no heartbeat.
Ryan and I were both completely in shock, we waited in the waiting room without saying a word to each other, we got the printout of results and went in separate cars and drove home. That was a horrible horrible day.
The next day I had to go back to the GP who called me dramatic, show her the results and get another referral to the hospital. Again my body was not passing the pregnancy and it was clear the baby had passed away a couple of weeks before. I was showing signs of infection and so was booked in for another D&C for a few days time.
Again, I was in a waiting room with people waiting for a colonoscopy or routine procedures. Such a horrible experience trying to hide your tears in a waiting room while you sit in a white gown with no clothes on knowing what is about to be taken from your body.
Nothing went well from here.
A week after my surgery I doubled over at work in excruciating pain, went to the hospital and they scanned me right away and saw that there was retained product after the procedure so I was sent back in for my 3rd D&C the very next day.
Advocating for yourself
After a couple of weeks picking ourselves back up, I spoke to some friends who knew of Dr Ong, a fertility specialist. Because recurrent miscarriage is not recognised until 3 losses, I had to advocate for myself and go through the private system. I organised a referral and we went to see him.
He started with a long list of tests, I had 14 vials of blood taken and Ryan just 2!
Everything was coming back as normal except for a trace of HCG still being in my system. After a scan, it was found that I still had retained product from my last pregnancy even after 2 x D&Cs. This was devastating. Instead of going back through the public hospital, we paid for our specialist to do this surgery as we had so much more faith in him.
So back into surgery I went and finally my body was able to recover. As part of the investigations I also had a laparoscopy to explore the possibility of endometriosis and a biopsy of my uterus to test for natural killer cells. The results came back as mild endometriosis which he removed and a slightly higher than normal level of natural killer cells. We were told to keep trying and call immediately once pregnant and they will advise the next steps with which medications to take to support the pregnancy.
Recovery after laparoscopy is no joke, that surgery was full-on and it took me a full week to be able to feel normal again. I fell pregnant again 2 months after the laparoscopy, I rang the clinic straight away and was placed on the immune medication protocol for the first trimester. This involved injections and tablets of steroids, blood thinners and a fortnightly 3-hour infusion of intralipids all to stop my body from potentially fighting the pregnancy.
I also had weekly ultrasounds with the clinic. Each ultrasound I was sick with nerves and fear, I wanted to throw up each time and my husband basically had to drag me into the appointment, I was so convinced the bad news was coming any day now. When we heard the heartbeat each time we both almost couldn't believe it. I had bruises the size of tennis balls across my stomach that were black and purple from the injections and my veins in my left arm were collapsing from all of the IV and blood tests but we made it through the first trimester.
I was then able to wean off the meds and the rest of the pregnancy was great, and we were able to birth the way I wanted. We were lucky to find out together on the 23rd April 2021 that we were parents to a beautiful baby girl.
3 pregnancies, 4 D&Cs, 1 laparoscopy, too many blood tests and scans to count, 5 x three hour IV infusion sessions and 13 weeks of intense meds and we had done it.
I am 1 in 4, twice and I will absolutely remember those 2 babies for the rest of my life and will always talk about this journey. It took me a while to bond with Sadie, I think I always had a niggling thought in the back of my head that this wasn't going to have a happy ending so I distanced myself from the pregnancy.
Now after growing up with her for the last 10months, I feel like my heart has always known her and I couldn't imagine our lives without her. I cannot wait to be her biggest supporter for the rest of her life.
What's next?
We would love to add one more precious family member to the crew, however, the anxiety and dread can be overwhelming when thinking about having to go through another loss. Now seeing Sadie and all of her sassiness and beauty, I couldn't imagine losing another child and wondering who they would have been.
When the time is right, we will begin the journey again and will keep to the same medication and weekly scan protocol as we did with Sadie, to hopefully have the same outcome. Nothing is a given on this journey.
Kate is sharing her story from Australia. Thank you for sharing x Emma & Lynette.
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